Because I'm supposed to update.

Went to Krav yesterday, and Karate too.

Hrm. That's, like, the third time I've been to the Karate class. Missed all my other ones because of working late. I applied for an internship at a publishing house. I hope I get it.

Saw a kickboxing ring being set up yesterday. Oxford vs. Cambridge tournaments, it looked like. That's actually the first time I can think of that I've ever seen a tournament ring.

I trained in Karate for, what, fifteen years? You'd think I'd have seen a tournament by now.

I didn't see any of the actual fighting, mind you. It was during Krav, and by the time we'd done, so had they.

Boy, you can tell I'm not trying with this.

Excuses

Hrm. Friday, Karate. First time there. Really drills through the basics. Did nothing but one kind of punch for maybe an hour. Good class.

Saturday, Krav Maga. Should have been Aikido, too, but I didn't go because of laundry and many other domestic tasks.

Sunday, nothing. Monday, worked late. Tuesday... I can't remember, I think I have nothing on on a Tuesday? I should find something. Wednesday, worked late. Today, finished on time! And my car, which I took in to have new brake discs, is deemed 'unsafe to drive' due to bolloxed suspension, leaving me to stand out in the rain till half six waiting for my housemate's brother. So no training tonight either.

So how much of my lack of training is 'excuse-making'? Tonight, for example, I didn't go because a) I didn't want to ask housemate's brother to drive me to the class since it'd be about an hour's round trip for him and b) the class stared at half six, so I'd have missed the first half an hour of a one-and-a-half-hour lesson and c) my kit was in my car, which was locked in the depot because even if I finished work 'on time' that still translates to 'an hour after everyone else in the world'.

These guys who become, like, world champions: would they have badgered their housemate's brother for a lift and trained for half a lesson in their work clothes?

Well, I guess they'd have done something else, like gone on a midnight run or something.

Well this was a pointless ramble. Bed time.

Post-prandial postings

Oh look, back to my old ways already. Staring at job applications, doing sod-all with them, updating here as an afterthought. The usual pattern before this place drifts like a forgotten log. Hah! No, even that isn't appropropriate, is it, because that would imply that this place eventually falls apart by floating out of reach. Nah, this place'll just... become unimportant, and fade gradually out of mind. Like a family member!

Anyway, tried to go to that Aikido class again on Monday; didn't finish work on time (took a washing machine to Truro, five hours from the depot). Went to the Rifle Association on Tuesday but they don't accept new members except in October, tried to go to to Kickboxing on Wednesday but didn't finish work on time (took TWO washing machines to Truro five hours from the depot). Tried to go to Aikido on Thursday AND ACTUALLY MADE IT OH GOOD LORDY HALLELUJAH

It's crap.

Nah I kid. It's very slow and controlled: no rushing, no speed. Try anything like that in a real fight and you're looking at a mouthful of pavement. But the instructors state outright from the start that the stuff they teach you isn't for combat: it's for getting a sense of balance and body feel and suchlike. It really lets you dissect your technique and learn how to move, and if you put it back into actual combat techniques it gives a real boost.
Like knife defence in Krav Maga: thanks to Aikido, I am now expert in disarming an amateur with a rubber blade! Yay! All I need is for Isis to switch to rubber weapons and I can finally do my bit for my country.

Went to Kickboxing, too. Almost missed the starting time, but I made it with seconds to spare, so of course they'd started an hour early and I missed most of the lesson. But they let me join in for half an hour, which was nice of them. I fucked my back up.

Aikikai ai-ai

So I tried to join an Aikido class yesterday. Put my heart and soul into it, too: got up on time, wore clean clothes, the whole nine yards. I even showered. Then I set off on the half-hour drive to the dojo a full hour-and-a-half before the class started, because I am a fellow both punctual and cautious. And, you know, with way too much free time. Ha ha, thinks I, my ridiculous work hours might stop me training on weeknights, but weekends can't do shit to me! 

Then someone overturned a lorry on a road I need. 

And not only is this road a road I need, but this road I need is an A-Road, which, for the non-Brits among you spiderbots, makes it the logistical equivalent of the fucking carotid artery. And so about three thousand metric tonnes of traffic haemorrhages off its main route and clogs up every by-road like chip grease in a fat guy's keyboard. Yeah, I know that analogy's shit. Fuck you, I'm in a hurry. 

Two hours later I'm still not a quarter-way there, and I turn back in disgust and fury. I was looking forward to that class. But, well, I've got Krav Maga this afternoon, thinks I. I'll work extra-hard there.

Come the requisite time I set out - once again an hour-and-a-half in advance, and this time with a sneaky alternate alternate route! It's sneaky because it adds more travel time than a detour to Mars and so no other bugger's ever going to think of taking it. 

It's jammed up anyway. 

But no! I do not give up! I navigate by the gods-forsaken sun itself, ladies and gentlemen, I take alleys and back-ways and country routes where the men are farmers and the sheep are girlfriends, I do handbrake turns and ramps and gunfights at a hundred miles an hour and I burst through the sports-hall gates with but a minute to spare! YES! I am BRILLIANT! I am GOD HIMSELF, ladies and gentlemen! I AM GOD HIMSELF!

Class was cancelled. 

On the way home I drove down a bus lane, so I'm probably getting fined for that. 

Kravvy!

I should clarify that I'm not, like, 100% lazy slob. I jog twice a week... well, call it 1.5 times a week. And I trained in karate for fifteen years. Which sounds impressive until I clarify it was an hour per week. And I stopped about five years ago.

... maybe 90% lazy.

God, that paragraph was appalling. I should also clarify that I'm not bothering to edit this blog, because it's already taken me half an hour to write this much and if I start giving autonomy to my inner proofreader I'll be here till the fucking Rapture.

What I'm trying to say is that this isn't a completely cold start. I'm not some fat fit-phobic who decided to clean the slate and go in a whole new direction.

This'd be a lot more inspiring if I was.

In any case, I took up Krav Maga about two months ago. Apparently it's what the Israeli military use and it's good brutal fun. Well, I say brutal, but the karate I trained in was sport karate, and grooming kittens is assault and battery next to that.

Turns out I can still coax a surprising amount of smack from my otherwise noodly arms. Also turns out I'm just as good at sparring as I always was, which is to say I got my face planted into the floor within five seconds of the starting call.

Right I've been here for like two hours now, so sod it this is getting published whether it's complete or not.

Introductions!

I should introduce this place, because I'm sure all the spiderbots are just dying to hear about my life.

I'm crap at everything. Shit job and no skills worthy of note; too apathetic to be arsed with a girlfriend (and, you know, about as good at boyfriending as Oscar Pistorius); and the only hobby I have that doesn't include YouTube includes PornoTube. And I'm 29. This needs changing. From what I hear, two things that help get things done include setting yourself goals and writing about them. This, then, is going to be my blog, where I can set down my goals with some sense of discipline and try my hardest to achieve a HAHAHAHAHA no not really. This is a blog about how I'm giving up.

No really. Fuck it. I'm never going to achieve anything. Ain't happening. Pfffthbhbhtbhtbthbthbhhh. And since I can't achieve anything, there's no point in trying any of that stuff. Job searching, CV tweaking, networking, course-finding - piss on it. 

That means I get to do whatever I want with my time, and what I want is to join every martial arts club in the city because reasons.

Seems like fun.

To do that, I need a job that doesn't require me to be in bed by 9pm.Not a good job, mind you; merely a better one.

So let's see about that.

I still can't think of good titles

Evolution is retarded, and exercise proves it.

If you're unsure how evolution is meant to work, the quick version is that creatures with stupid traits tend to die, while creatures with helpful traits tend to live and pass on their helpful traits to their little creature children. Keep this up long enough and all the stupid traits in a species get ironed out, leaving only the good ones behind. That's why you'll rarely find, say, an Indian Grey Mongoose that isn't resistant to snake venom, because Indian Grey Mongooses eat poisonous snakes. and being a snake-eater when you're not immune to the venom is... well. Stupid.

That's how the theory goes, at least. But if that's true, consider:

Exercise is good for you. It makes you stronger and better-looking and makes all the ladies swoon over you, and is thus an excellent aid in making whole piles of little kiddies. Lazing about and stuffing your face is not good for you. It makes you fat and gives you heart attacks. Evolution, therefore, should have long since ensured that doing exercise feels wonderful to humans, and doing lazy feels like the physical equivalent of watching the whole Twilight series in one go.

I just did a half-hour run, and now I'm eating a pie meant to serve three. Guess which one feels nicer.

I can’t help but feel I just smashed a huge gaping hole in modern scientific theory just now. You're welcome.